I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
