I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
