Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
