basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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