K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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