Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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