I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
