Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize