This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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