I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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