You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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