hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I have fence marks all over my body
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
