Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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