In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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