I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
