I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I believe in your delicious
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
