whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
