I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
