I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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