he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize