My liver just broke up with me...
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
