im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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