I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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