I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
