nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
