tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
