I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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