Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Randomize
