I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
