If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
