Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
