My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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