Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize