Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
