Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think we might need a safe word for this...
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
