chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
