Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
