Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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