There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
