Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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