Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Randomize
