And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize