6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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