so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Too much gin, very little bucket
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
