Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I smell stomach acid.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
