After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
