walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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