dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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