and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
