Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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