mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize