the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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