This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
