i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
