my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
