Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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