My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
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