I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
