woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
