I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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