Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
