you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
