He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
