Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
